a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years

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Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus


Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes


I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.


I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.


Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!

I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.


Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes


What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?


me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard


Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.