Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@ThatRascalPuff

Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus

@TheProfitSquad

Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes

@lisaOoOo

I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.

@EliTerry

I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.

@PeaceInTruth1

Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.

@Marlebean

Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!

I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.

@WittySassBasket

Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes

@ShootyDoody

What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?

@KingRainhead

me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard

@Elizasoul80

Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.