a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
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When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.