Acronyms got me like WTF?
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A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
God has left this place
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson