Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
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Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
The game has officially changed 😎
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.