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“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
Wise advice