Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
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E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
incredible
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!