Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
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CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
OH. COME. ON.
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you