Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
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9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
At Walmart during the holidays like..
WWE is French for “yes”
work smarter, not harder
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break