Actively furious that the global Microsoft outage doesn’t seem to have affected my workplace.
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I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
don’t we all
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
Kids will really get mad and tell you Mom don’t ever do THAT again, and THAT is just sending fruit in their school lunch
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
Like sleeping!
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?