Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
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Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
My wife has the worst taste in men.
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
My time has come.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.