ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
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What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
*pronounces UPS like yoops
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
me adding lol on a serious message
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude