ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
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I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying