Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
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Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
Looking at you, Jesus.
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
This was a bad idea all around
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”