Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.

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Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.


Obama: Please just wave.



Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?

Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month


Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.


[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine


[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*


You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.


The best blowjob I’ve ever had cost me $27.25. She wasn’t a hooker or anything, but her kids kept making me put money in their swear jar.


job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them


Boss:my office, now!

Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter

B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint

M:Oh thank God!


Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.