Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
You Might Also Like
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire