@rachelle_mandik

“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”

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@byrdie_num_num

As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.

@Jaysmemoir

My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.

Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!

@kivtur

To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.

@UnFitz

Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.

@anildash

Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.

@Social_Mime

You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.

@alli_win

There are plenty of fish in the sea.

There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.

@caliluvgirl77

I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.