“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”

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As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.


My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.

Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!


To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.


Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.


Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.


You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.


There are plenty of fish in the sea.

There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.


I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.