“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
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The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
The police never think its as funny as you do.
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
classic mixup
these two trucks have the same bed length
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.