Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
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*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
early stone age tool
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient