Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
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Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
Whoa… oh I see lol
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
Fight
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
Hot Hot Hot
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
Cheer up.
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti