Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
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[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.