@HRTSMRT

Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.

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@TheRobCee

Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.

@VioricaMarian1

I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.

@walkercapl

I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life

@buttsword

[first date]

me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes

@noog

I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.

@FadeAway2

Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.

@vanleygoodtakes

I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.

@Mitchoacan

Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.

@3sunzzz

If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.

@craydrienne

Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist