Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
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My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
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( • – •) /
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/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
🙅🏻
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to