Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
You Might Also Like
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
Damn he played himself
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious