Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.

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A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!


It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views


The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners


Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.


You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.


[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]

Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.

-Bowser K.


Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded


Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?


The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.