@notalogin

Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.

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@SpencerLenox

A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!

@House_Feminist

It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views

@SortaBad

The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners

@MrSandeepP

Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.

@TheCatWhisprer

You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.

@markydoodoo

[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]

Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.

-Bowser K.

@slaughthie

Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded

@radtoria

Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?

@AsgardianRose

The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.