Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
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My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
No chill.
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to