Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
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Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist