Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.

Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear

Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree

[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your house

me: I’m at the supermarket

murderer: ok

me: I’ll be there in 10

Attention Walmart Shoppers –

There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12

Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes

[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]

Me: how many am I allowed

Guy: just one

Me: we’ll see

If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.

I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously

HER: yes

ME: yeah right

“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed