Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
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GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.