Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
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Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.