Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
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Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”