Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me? - @Cpin42

Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?

[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.

YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.

3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard

Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!

Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.

ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”

Wife: Have you seen my razor?

Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not

Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it

My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis

HER: I’m an animal activist.

ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.

“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”

– Diet ads for Cannibals

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