Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
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Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
If you need a laugh.. 😅
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”