Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
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Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
The police never think its as funny as you do.
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
Rooting for the overdog
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
Always the camel, never the toe.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.