(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
You Might Also Like
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
We’re all getting idioter.
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card