ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
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I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
I feel seen
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*