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I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
bury ourselves
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.