[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
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It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
Me sliding into hell like
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?