@deloisivete

ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes

toddler: hold my cheerios

toddler: *drops cheerios*

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@myonlymizztake

Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.

@LoveNLunchmeat

Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.

@brohsen

i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”

@sofarrsogud

‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.

@robdelaney

Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.

@StarWarsProblms

Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.

Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.

Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?

@jctwritesstuff

[Speed Date]

Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!

@CallousBalzac

My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.

@IamEnidColeslaw

If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?

@david8hughes

[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.