ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes

toddler: hold my cheerios

toddler: *drops cheerios*

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Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.


Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.


i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”


‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.


Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.


Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.

Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.

Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?


[Speed Date]

Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!


My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.


If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?


[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.