ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes

toddler: hold my cheerios

toddler: *drops cheerios*

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There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”


They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.


GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*


Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..

Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.


DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature

ME: [leaves]


Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.


I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.