@rebrafsim

adam and eve had first world problems

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@simoncholland

I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.

@truegritrumble

ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!

@ericsshadow

Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.

@itsmebeegee07

Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”

@danfishbach

Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.

@Darlainky

Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.

Canada: Let’s keep it that way.

@mrjohndarby

[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]

day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenser

day 4563: wahey! water dispenser

@IamEveryDayPpl

Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…