adam and eve had first world problems
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Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho