I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
adam and eve had first world problems
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ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenser
day 4563: wahey! water dispenser
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…