[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
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eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
My boss called in sick of me
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
Don’t frighten the programmers!