Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
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[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
He’s cranky this morning
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…