Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
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Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
I’m giving up for Lent.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe