add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
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Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL