Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
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I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
This is so me 😂😂
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.