Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
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Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.