added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
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So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.