Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
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*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.