Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
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I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it