Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
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Who did it better?
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.