adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
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Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
I can’t stop watching this.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake