Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
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Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
A Short Story.
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
They must have gotten it to go.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
This guy’s not having it 😆
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.