Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
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As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
My love language is hissing.
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.