Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
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*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
I say this a lot, but for someone who loves food as much as I do, you would think I would love going to the grocery store
I resigned after being refused a pay rise and submitted six applications for my job. Mgmt gloated how far better candidates had applied to replace me. I gloated when none of them turned up for interview. Had to buy sim cards and create emails to pull this off. Totally worth it.
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon