Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
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FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
Holy shit he’s back
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.