@CornOnTheGoblin

[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this

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@AnthonyDeVito_

Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.

@Ygrene

[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*

@TimHaynesJr

That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.

@joeislamo

The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.

@Cornjerker78

Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?

A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.

3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦

@bea_ker

“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup

@lloydrang

Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.

I am wearing a house.

@Izianikapani

Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.

@noog

If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.

@Greg_1_Leg

Why don’t you sing about it?

– Walt Disney as a therapist