[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this

You Might Also Like


Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.


[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*


That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.


The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.


Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?

A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.

3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦


“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup


Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.

I am wearing a house.


Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.


If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.


Why don’t you sing about it?

– Walt Disney as a therapist