[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
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[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.