*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
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just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers