*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
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Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
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Dead:
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