*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
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I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?